At a rainbow gathering in the rural mountains of Montana, I met a couple who made me feel strange. Just seeing them around everywhere in the gathering, I had abstract premonitions that we would grow close somehow and share some unique connections.
One night as I was walking alone along a narrow trail, illumined only by the full moons beams’, toward the distant calls of drums, a shadow approached me. We stood face to face, all I saw was the curve of his full lips, a single ringlet framing a shadowy face, the smolder in his eyes. We stood close enough to be in each other’s white clouds of warm breathing in cold air. We hugged, and he’s so tall that he craned his long neck around mine. The connection was wordlessly lovely, foreboding, and quite frankly pretty confusing.
A few nights later, I approached a silhouette in the expansive moonlit plain. She was wrapped in her own world, hooping to the folky jam twanging away at the nearest fire. There were plenty of other hoops on the ground and I asked if I could join her. We’re hooping together, yet I’m actually just nonchalantly admiring her graceful flow. She’s so petite, small waist and big curvy hips telling the hoop what to do. Dark dreadlocks, dangling down around her breasts and brushing her belly. I felt intimidation mixed with magnetism.
A month later, somehow he had found me on Facebook and I saw that we were both in Portland, and their bus was about to head down to California for the trim scene, which was just my plan exactly. I messaged him and asked if I could hop on their bus. He called me, and the depth and seductive languor of his voice startled me. He invited me to travel with them, and we were to meet the next day. I couldn’t help but wondering what would happen. Why was he being so suave towards me? They’ve been in a committed relationship for years, I hope I don’t fuck anything up here. I vowed to myself to not cause any trouble.
I meet them and we park the bus in front of a friends house, which we ended up staying at for far longer than we anticipated. It was in this magical home that things started to develop in ways that twisted me up inside.
The friend who lives there is a sound healer, and we would spend every night together giving each other sound healing sessions. One person laying in the middle and everyone using the gongs, singing bowls, chimes, bells, and didgeridoos to lure them into a healing meditative state. I felt so grateful to be in such a beautiful place, having beautiful experiences with people so beautiful, people I was so curious about.
One night, our very intuitive friend decided to put she and I against each other, back to back, and everyone arranged gongs and singing bowls around us. Our friend guided us in a meditation to explore our oneness together, to feel our connection, to experience each other’s energy without fears, with unconditional love. Just having my back against hers, I felt electricity, and that made me nervous. The sound session vibrated through her and into me, through me and into her, and most definitely I could feel our oneness. It brought me into a visionary space, where I could see myself loving her boundlessly, intimately, sharing bliss between our bodies and peace between hearts. I wonder if we telepathically shared this sight. As soon as the sound healing session was over I ran straight to the bus and cooped up in my bunk to write in my journal about all the feels that were spilling over.
I had been very attracted to women in the past and I had kissed friends while drunk, but that was another life ago it seemed. I had never explored, fully conscious, my feelings for a woman. I was overwhelmed with intimidation, but somehow that just pushed me into a state of arousal. The taboo sensation of dipping your toes in unknown water. In the safe cocoon of my sleeping bag, I massaged my yoni, breathed deeply and tried to free my fears of being so turned on thinking about her.
Days blurred into each other, full of harvesting figs and making kale chips, doing acro yoga and having sound healing sessions with each other, all the while enjoying getting to know each of the new friends that surrounded me. He and she emitted such playful energy when they interacted with each other that it would just put a smile across my face. I couldn’t help but staring, watching them kiss and wrestle and flirt. They’re so gorgeous together, he’s so tall, with his wildly golden long curls, thin frame and sharp eyes…she’s so tiny, so elegantly curvy, with eyes the color of honey and the cutest nose that crinkles when she giggles.
Interwoven in the energy were things that made me feel nervous, excited, guilty. When he would catch me alone in a hallway, stare me down hungrily and give me a hug. I couldn’t help but react, my body pressing into his and then peeling away realizing that this was starting to feel intimate. I would avoid his gaze because in it, I could see right through him. I could see his longing and his curiosity for me. It wasn’t okay. Even though he was so alluring, it was of much higher importance to me to fully respect and honor their relationship. I swore to myself that I didn’t want to get involved, even if secretly, I really did.
With him, it was the obvious male-female attraction pulling at our ends, but with her it was totally different. The energy between she and I was so lovely yet so full of the most subtle mixed messages that I could barely remain present around her. My sensitivity so high, that I swear I could feel her electromagnetic field just sitting 6 inches away from her on a couch. So badly, I wanted to edge closer to her, she was so warm and inviting but I was twisted up in my head about WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?
One evening she slipped off into the shower while we were all having some sound healing and of course I noticed. Somehow the sound healing had me so real and raw that spontaneity stripped me of all my thoughts and doubts and fears and I walked right up to the bathroom door and knocked.
“Mhm? Come in.”
I walk into the bathroom and the entire room is completely thick with steam.
“Holy shit, how hot do you have the shower?! Do you mind if I go pee?”
We’re laughing and casually talking, she’s groaning at how nice the shower is.
“Oh really? I wanna take a hot shower soooo badddddd!”
“Just come in then.”
In my head, I’m like….holy shit. What? Would it be fucked up and deceptive of me to join her without her having any idea of the fact that I’m wildly attracted to her and am probably going to enjoy this experience more than she might assume? I have no idea, but she’s waiting for me to come in so I strip all my clothes off and climb in.
Oh fuck. She’s even more beautiful than ever before when she’s dripping wet.
I try to not look at her directly too much, for fear that she’ll become aware of these feelings and desires that seem harder and harder to mask. We lean over each other, filling our mouthes up with water and spitting it in each other’s faces, laughing hysterically and getting so unwound together from all tensions under the hot torrents. We stay in much longer than socially acceptable when taking a shower at a friends house. We chat and have awkward silences in between, and I can sense that I’m not the only one that’s feeling a little more than curious.
Is this really happening? I feel so guilty. This guy is flirting with me when his girlfriend isn’t around. This girl is flirting with me when her boyfriend isn’t around. What the fuck am I doing? This is not okay. Either I start to bottle this stuff up better and forget about it, or somehow muster up the courage to just be flat out honest with both of them.
We get out and cruise casually into the sound healing space wearing towels and dripping heads of hair. He looks at us totally stunned, raising an eyebrow, then narrows in his eyes at us with a wicked grin twisting up the corners of his mouth. I’m so flustered, I don’t know what the fuck to do.
Weeks pass and those of us traveling together on the bus become a solid, tightly-woven tribe. It’s so absolutely fantastic. We’re dumpster diving, making big meals and feeding lots of people as we wound our way through the mountains in Oregon and California. Making magical music and pulling each other’s minds open.
My attraction and curiosity for both he and she has melted so sweetly into a genuine love for them. Having gotten to know them as humans, as friends, I grew to adore both of them so much. The crushes I had on them turned into full blown liking them and wishing I could explore and express those feelings.
The point had come. I had to do something, I had to speak my heart about the way I felt even if it caused difficulty between us. I was getting mentally prepared for how she would feel to know that I like her boyfriend…but more than that, that I liked her too. I was caught in a swirl of my own fears for a few days, taking solitude to try and figure out how best to do this. Also mentally preparing for the worst, that they wouldn’t want me to travel on the bus anymore.
It happened before I could even get it out. One crisp farmers market morning, the bus was parked in Eugene, Oregon and I had walking around the market enjoying the quaint ambience with one of our friends also traveling on the bus when I decided to head back to the bus with the veggies. As soon as I open the door I’m hit by an energy so dense it almost hurt. He and she suddenly fall silent. They’re fighting. She’s looking at him with raised eyebrows, and looking at me. Oh holy fuck. What are they fighting about?
“Listen, I’m gonna go talk to Umi, I’ll give you some space and be back in a little while.”
He jumps off the bus and grabs my hand and we walk off towards the market. What the hell is going on?!?!?! He’s holding my hand!!!!
“….So, are you guys doing alright?”
“Well, it’s hard to say. I feel so good and that’s the problem.”
“Well, what is that supposed to mean?”
He squeezes my hand and stops me in the middle of the autumn leaf covered sidewalk, looks into my eyes with such a nervous brilliance,
“Listen Umi, I really like you.”
I’m in shock.
What the fuck.
I’m screwing up their relationship.
I hope she’s not devastated.
What do I say?!?!?
“…..I like you too,….and I like her as well.”
“No way, really? You like her too?”
“Yeah, I do actually.”
“…She likes you as well, but she assumes that she’s the only one feeling that way. We both just confessed how we feel towards you, and I told her that I wanted to express it to you. We’re talking about trying to have an open relationship.”
WAIT WAIT WAIT……SHE LIKES ME?!!!!!!!
I squeeze his hand and pull him back towards the bus, skipping a little with such excitement that two people that I like, like me too. I feel like the luckiest girl ever. I’m so afraid to go in the bus and talk to her but I know that it has to be done. I hope that she won’t feel as bad about him liking me when she finds out that I like her.
I hop up into the bus, he peels away and walks back towards the market, giving us some time alone. She is absolutely flustered. She has in the meantime, pulled up all the baskets and boxes from the buses storage and is organizing and cleaning everything in a nervous whirlwind. She sees me and freezes.
She’s so cute. So awkward. We’re sitting across from each other.
“Hey…you doing okay?”
“Yeah, just, I don’t know, trying to clean the bus out and—”
She stares at me.
“I like you.”
“I like you, too.”
Both of us are so prone to being smiley joyous creatures, that gigantic smiles burst across our reds cheeks. We giggle so happily and nervously. We have no idea what to do.
More than anything in the world, I just want to lean over, hold her face in my hands and kiss her with all the pent up longing that’s been killing me.
But I don’t.
~To Be Continued~